There is more to life.
Glee tonight was incredibly moving, and I was inspired. I figure it’s about time I share my story.
When I was a little girl, I remember standing on the front step every time I arrived home and taking a deep breath, preparing for the constant yelling inside. I was always sad. I always wanted to go to sleep because nothing mattered while I was asleep. This is, of course, the extremely abridged version of the story, but there are more important things to get to.
One day in seventh grade, I was sitting in Spanish class. I remember it perfectly, our class was being held in the science wing of my middle school because a bunch of construction was going on. I got called down to the office and saw my mom standing there. She said we had a doctors appointment to go to. We got into the car and drove, and drove, until I didn’t recognize where we were. I asked, and she only said that I needed help.
We arrived at a place I had never heard of, and entered. Inside the lobby, my mom got called into a room for a “consultation” and the receptionist asked if I wanted the night’s dinner, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. I started crying because I was so confused, and didn’t know what kind of doctors office would offer dinner. They finally called me back into the room with my mom, where a woman told me that they had some “concerns” and that I needed to stay with them for awhile. I didn’t know what the hell was happening.
I was twelve years old, and here I was, being told I needed to stay in a strange place, with strange people. They cut all of the drawstrings out of my sweatshirts and pajama pants, we weren’t allowed to have razors to shave with, and we followed a strict regimen every day. Meds, food, therapy, recreation, food, meds, sleep. I don’t remember how long I was there, but it’s there that I learned how to cut, and how if only for an instance, it made me feel better.
I wasn’t at this place for long, but even after I left, I struggled with self-injury. For four years, that was the way I handled things when I couldn’t think of any other way. I remember how much it scared me when a boy in our high school committed suicide and I could understand wanting to just end it all. One night, I had gotten into a particularly bad fight with my parents and I went upstairs to relieve the stress the only way I knew to. I was interrupted by a call from my boyfriend at the time. I told him everything the next day, and the look on his face was enough to stop me from ever cutting again. He looked so scared and confused, and told me that I had to promise no matter how bad things looked, that I wouldn’t ever hurt myself again.
Back then, in middle school, I couldn’t see past the typical drama that comes with pre-teen/teenage life. I couldn’t see past the arguments, and the yelling, and the depression. Looking back, I am so, so unbelievably glad that I never took my self-injury further than what it was. Life is such a beautiful thing, and from experience, I can say that it always gets better. I am happier right now in this instant than I ever could have dreamed back then. I am stronger now for what I have been through, and now I realize that it was all worth it to get where I am today.
To Write Love on Her Arms was an amazing resource for me, and Jamie Tworkowski, the founder, is a huge inspiration. I’ll end this with a quote:
“The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence. The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles. The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world. The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need. The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change. The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead. The vision is the possibility that we’re more loved than we’ll ever know. The vision is hope, and hope is real. You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.”
