Okay, let’s flashback to May 2010, with “Sanctuary” and “Death and All of His Friends”…the most gripping hours of television I can remember. That episode was insane. The shooter, and Derek, and Meredith being pregnant, and Dr. Reed, and oh my god. I cannot handle it again! The season finale this May is called “Flight”…and a beloved character dies. In the last episode, Richard was discussing upcoming flight plans. I CAN’T DEAL WITH CHIEF DYING, I CAN’T.
Severely abridged story time: back in the beginning of senior year, I had a group of “best friends.” They were vicious, and they scoffed at the preposterous idea that a long distance relationship could work, with someone I met at yearbook camp, no less. One day, the two queen bees of the pack decided to call me out. We were standing the yearbook room after school and they had berated me endlessly about how I never hung out with them on Friday nights anymore because it was the one time a week I got to video chat with my boyfriend, and “besides, he’s probably cheating on you.” I was livid, I can only remember one other time in my life where I have been that angry. Shaking, and increasing volume with each word, I told them that they had no right, and that they needed to leave immediately, and stay out of my life. That was the end of my link to those girls. One of them frequently tries to re-establish some sort of connection, but to no avail.
Cutting my ties to them was risky, they were my core group of friends. I did it because it was the right thing to do, because they didn’t understand my relationship, because they would throw anyone under a bus, because it was always something. I hated that. I hate it to this day. I will never understand the way girls think there always needs to be something. Someone to be mad at, something to hate. Sometimes, it isn’t anything at all. College has been pretty free of the high school dramatics but every now and again, it rears it’s ugly head and due to a misunderstanding, there is a new pointless something to stand in between friends and focusing on the things that actually matter.
The point of this story is that it turns out I’m pretty laid-back. Maybe that puts me in the minority, but I’m pretty hard to anger. I just wish that certain people close to me didn’t get angry and assume the worst at the drop of a hat.
The good news is that while tomorrow is not a Friday, I do get to video chat and I can’t wait. It’s funny now, when I see the girls I used to be friends with, I almost want to tell them how I’m going to spend a week in Paris soon.
I can’t believe how far we’ve come.
These are the worst kinds of nights.
I should be the one comforting the person I love in his time of need.
I should be there to hold him and reassure him with more than words that everything will be okay. It kills me that all I can offer is text on a screen, it makes me think that the people that are there in the flesh will somehow outrank me.
Thank god this is the final stretch.
There’s always that ONE guy.
In my case, there’s the guy in my Psychology 105 lab who graduated from some prestigious college in Germany with a double major who came to this godforsaken place for some reason and thinks he’s the only person in the room worth anyone’s time. Why are you here? Pretty sure my TA knows what he’s talking about too, but hey, feel free to continue to argue every single point he makes. We don’t need to move on at any point.
/rant
“It’s nearly Christmas, come home
Come be yourself, remember how that felt?”
Last night was a disaster, but thankfully I have someone who doesn’t think I’m pathetic or stupid or crazy and who talked me down late last night. Thank you so much for that, I’m fine in the daytime, it’s the nights that kill me.
The Indian cafe next to my workplace is remodeling and the fumes (reminiscent of that of rubber glue) were invading the Tropical the whole entire shift, so my head hurts and I’m nauseous, yay. I also don’t understand how there’s 10 days ‘til Christmas but it’s 55 degrees and rainy? Ohio. </3
One week left…this is the hardest part.
TRUE LIFE: I’m an alcoholic.
…Oh wait, no I’m not. I don’t drink at all anymore.
Backstory: A few nights ago, I decided to go put air into my tires because my signal light has been on for around two months now. Anyway, I got to Speedway and there were a slew of time-delaying issues, including the three times I had to turn my car back on and move it so the air hose would reach my tires. My key also wouldn’t turn after I was done for about ten minutes, so I had to dig out the manual and figure out how to fix it. I was gone for about twenty minutes. I came home and my mom was super questioning and I was annoyed, but whatever.
Tonight, I’m emptying the dishwasher and my mom’s phone will not stop vibrating so I slid to unlock (of course she has an iPhone) and I saw that she was texting my older sister.
Mom- “Opened the liquor cabinet today, a half bottle of my pomegranate liquor is missing! The bike lock has only been off of the cabinet for a week, guess it’s going back on…”
Sister- “Haha wow, she’s relentless. I told you she was boozing when she went to ‘go fill up her tires.’”
Mom- “Guess so, her strategy is to wait until we’re all asleep and then drink everything all alone!“
…this is so backwards, I can’t even begin to explain. As I stated earlier, I learned my lesson and don’t drink anymore. Secondly, yeah Mom, I smuggled a bottle of liquor into my car, drove to Speedway, downed it, and then drove home drunk, and snuck the bottle back into the cabinet without you noticing any of this. Oh wait, that doesn’t make any sense. Thirdly, all I do at night is play Skyrim, and I have to get up to work at 7 AM everyday (hard for her to imagine having to do, granted), why would I think it was a good idea to drink into the morning?
I’m so fucking sick of this. My older sister acts like we’re all cool and then she kisses my mom’s ass and agrees with everything she says and tries to make me the bad guy to take the eyes off of her. Surprise Mom, she does/has done far worse things than I, you just never think that your precious angel could be capable of such things.
No matter how well I do, how much I succeed, how far I come, I will always be the least favorite, trouble-making, failure of a child. Surprise number two, I will never let her hold me down. I’m an adult, and everyone that matters knows I’m better than she paints me to be.
Actual text conversation:
Sophomore in college: “i seriously sought that lol”
Me: “…you sought what?”
Sophomore in college: “dought*”
As in doubt.
I LOL’d.
Language is important. I don’t know why my generation doesn’t seem to think so, but at least have the decency to spell middle school level words correctly.
In case anyone is wondering, I’m laying on the ground of my suitemates room, watching the Packers game, and trying to keep my mind off of the inevitable, probably illogical, terrifying thoughts that race through my head at any given moment. These will especially increase this weekend, so I’ll be keeping myself busy as much as possible.
I need to vent, and I’m going to do it here.
People are telling me that I’m stupid for being as invested as I am in this relationship.
Pretty much everyone is, except for my best friend.
They don’t know how hard we worked for this.
I know a lot of people have it harder, but I’ll never forget that time I had to wait two months to see you again. It was the hardest thing in the world, but I’ve never been as excited as I was the night you finally came home.
This is completely different. In just over five days, you will leave me and fly thousands of miles away from me, and will stay there for seven months. You will be home for Christmas. That will be the only break from the separation.
I don’t have any words other than that.
How am I supposed to deal with my whole entire life changing?
How am I supposed to wake up everyday and realize that you aren’t here?
That you won’t be for months?
I run around the whole god damn city, fulfilling RIDICULOUS tasks that you so urgently beg me to do…once said tasks are accomplished, I proudly trot back to where you gave me my mission, eagerly awaiting my award, only to find that you aren’t there. It’s night time, and you’re sleeping in a bed that I don’t care enough to find. I stay up all night to do your dirty work, the LEAST you can do is be awake to reward me.
That’s all.
This quote rings very true.
I’ve pretty much waved goodbye to any sense of certainty in my life because I believe that when caught up in what is and isn’t a guarantee, you miss some of the most incredible things that could have potentially happened.
Let me elaborate.
Who in the hell takes the cheesy “text message” photos that end up on six billion tumblrs a day? Who sits there, creates a contact named ‘Him’, and types a fake message, only to take a photo and hope someone can relate? Send the message. The worst thing that can happen is that you have to move on with your life and your possible expectations of that situation…which can often lead to better things.
It’s said too much to be ignored, life is too short to check the temperature of the water before inching in. If you’re unsure, just take a deep breath…then jump. The world will not end if the girl you ask to the dance turns you down, or if the boy you confess your feelings for admits he has a girlfriend. It sounds strange, but some of the most real (for lack of a better term) moments in my life have come from the times where I have been at my lowest. I think it’s then that you truly get a sense of who you are, and such discoveries would not be made if the “safe road” was constantly your choice.
Go out and face your fears.
Stop biting your tongue and say what you’ve been meaning to say.
Erase your inhibitions, and you will truly be able to feel.
